Crescendo Poco a Poco
by Morrigan428
Summary: Set directly after Advent Children, Cloud reflects on his past and questions his future.


**DISCLAIMER:** Not mine. If it was I'd have many jellybeans and bowls of pasta to offer, but alas, t'is not so. No suing.

**Author's Note:** This is my first FF7 fanfic. This is also the first time in, oh, 2 years, I have written a fanfic. Please forgive me if it's not very good. This may however, be a prelude to a bigger story if liked well enough. But for now it stands alone. Comments, c&c are welcome.

**Crescendo Poco a Poco**

He sat in silence as he often did. The realms within his mind constantly in a whirl about him. The clear water swirled about leaving crystalline prisms on the walls of the church when the sun hit it just right. He was no longer alone right? Then why was he still here? He didn't go home with Tifa and the children. He chose to just stay here even when asked a million times to come with the others. But he had promised Denzel he would come home. So, home he would go. He looked up at one of the prisms of light on the wall. But not just yet. He couldn't go home, yet.

What is a home, he couldn't help questioning. For so many years he had been running in a sense. He couldn't quite find a definition of the word. Was it a place or a feeling? Or was it perhaps both? He promised himself he would live for her. But he had lost the will to even try for a long while. It wasn't until today, on this day of trauma and joy that he had found strength again. Yet, he couldn't help feeling he was selfish... on this day, while he cherished her memory, he found himself not wanting to live for her anymore. He wanted to live for himself. He brought his knees to his chest and hugged them, brow knitting in a frustrated battle of emotions.

For a moment as the emotions washed over him he absently turned his attention to a cluster of lily petals floating on the shimmering surface. He rubbed his arm that had been infected with the geostigma. It had become a habit even though it always hurt when he had touched it. His mind barely registered that there wasn't any pain as he did so. As he looked over at it, the absence of the dark matter on his arm confused him for a moment. Why was it after all that had happened that now he could feel the implications? Was she really to thank for its healing too? Another debt to repay? Or had it been the planet itself? His eyes flitted back to the petals. Did it matter? Both were entwined.

"I promised myself I would live for you. But how can I when I do not even know how to live for myself?" he muttered to himself.

A dripping sound was heard off to the side of the waters and when he turned to follow the sound, a wolf stared back at him, unthreateningly. Just watching him. He blinked, and there she stood in its place. She smiled softly. "You will know how, and now you have the strength to do it. Or has it been lost to you already?"

He blinked and she was gone. His brow tightened again. He went over again in his mind the battle with Sephiroth, and his eyes wandered around the building. The images that fleeted through his mind in battle did so again. Yes, they were what he cherished. Yes, he now understood he was not alone. Then he thought harder. What was he holding on to now? Where exactly was he supposed to go now? He bowed his head concentrating on the water below him. Then his attention was turned to a reflection next to his own.

"No one expects you to change overnight Cloud. But really what is there to hold on to? What are you hestitating for? Does it not feel lighter?" she asked gently.

"Yes, but I promised you...," he stopped, took a breath, his eyes concentrating on the reflection. "I just let you die. I... I just want to be forgiven."

A smile of understanding came to her lips. "And why did you make such a silly promise? I met my fate. You could not have stopped what happened. I never blamed you, not even once. Now I am part of the lifestream, as you will be when it is your time. But it's not that time now. It's now time for you to live Cloud. Not be driven by a mere phantom. You watched out for me and cared for me. You remember me, and you came for me. I already told you, that was all that really mattered."

His eyes widened and he turned to look behind him where she was standing. But again she was gone. His mouth had opened as if the whole thing had finally dawned on him. He looked up towards the doorway and the sun was setting, staining the world about him red and orange. It was still bright and stung his eyes when he looked ahead to the outside. He looked away for a moment then back, and she was standing there again.

"But I never loved you like... you wanted me to. Was caring truly enough? Tifa... the others..." he stumbled over his words, a wave of emotion and guilt tightening his muscles in a very unpleasant way.

She cocked her head to the side, "Yes, it was all I ever really truly wanted from you. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And it's now the time for that. You have all you need now, right? It's all over." she took a step backwards, "It's time to let go." She smiled, nodded and raised a hand as a farewell, then took a step backwards and the light engulfed her. Cloud understood she was now gone for good. But had she been a phantom or memory? The years of sickness, the children suffering, him quietly leaving Tifa and the children the first time he realized he was overcome with it too. The coming of Sephiroth... The death of that boy. Kadaj. He and his brothers had barely lived. So many things to think about. To live with in his mind.

The final words she had said, echoed in his mind over and over as he just stared into the burning light. Let go? How do you let go? Something in his mind answered, that he already was. Little by little. His thoughts turned to Denzel, Marlene, Red, Barret and Vincent. Yuffie and Cid, Reno and Rude and finally Cait Sith, they were a different set of memories. They were... stronger. They were... they were worth fighting for. The faces swam in his mind for a split second and Tifa came to his mind. Tifa, his childhood friend. The one who seemed to put up with everything. How long had he caused her pain? How much damage and pain had he caused them all with his foolishness? Tifa...

He closed his eyes tight, and when he opened them another figure was in the doorway, watching him. His mind realized it was Tifa and it startled him slighty. She started walking in, light playing over her features. A worried look was on her face as she knelt down to look at him.

"Are you ok?" she tentatively reached a hand up towards his cheek, then suddenly thinking better of it began to lower it.

On an impulse Cloud grabbed her wrist gently and laid it upon its original intended destination. A slight blush came to her face and a quiet smile settled on her features, as she rubbed her thumb over his cheek softly then reached up to brush it through his hair. He just stared at her, unmoving. Let go? Time to live for now? As long as I remember them...? The cold stark white of the world he had seen briefly when he was shot, came to his mind. He compared it to the contrast of the color about him, even on her face. It was warm here. Too much to know and learn.

Let go? Time to live. It's time to let go. This time it wasn't Aeris saying it, it was his own voice. He regarded Tifa, and a very slight smile came to his face. You're not alone... let go.

Tifa's smile had been replaced with a concentrated look of concern. She didn't want to ask him what was wrong, he could tell, but wanted to know. What did he want now?

"Cloud...?" she said softly her brows coming together in concern.

Giving in to a sudden urge, something he couldn't explain himself he reached up and tugged her into his arms in an embrace. He buried his head in the crook of her neck. Shocked, Tifa rested her hands on his arms.

"Cloud?" she said, a sound of worry and shock in her voice.

She began to pull away, and he just pulled her tighter against him. He didn't know why, he knew it was out of character and had to be frightening to her, but for right now he just needed to feel the warmth of another. Someone alive. Something to tell him that this was really happening. He whispered, "Please...," he felt her inclining her face to him as he spoke, "just hold me for a little while." He felt her raise her head slightly then her hands sliding forward and snaking about his waist, her chin resting in his hair.

He couldn't help thinking, please don't let go... Not this time. It's ok now. It's ok to let go. It's all over. It's time to let go. It's time to start over. He couldn't let the phantoms in the cold light be what he carried with him. What remains is the warmth of the sun. He closed his eyes. This was home.

**FINISH**


End file.
